Eight Months and Still a Major Meltdown Every. Damn. Day.

Originally this blog was to record my survival living alone without my Pirate Husband as he navigated the Great Loop.  I remember being heartsick for him - his physical presence - while he was out on his boat.  

The man called me seven times a day.  I needed that, he needed that; I need that still.  He ended many chats with the same question:

"Do you still love me fiercely, Bambina?"

"You know I love you fiercely, Lover."

The day before he died he looked piercingly into my eyes and said, "I told you 100,000 times that I love you but you never believed me."

I was holding his hand and pleaded desperately, "I believe you, I do!  Please do not leave me, Lasse!" 

More than eight months later I still have a daily major meltdown.  I have tried to push aside the anguish, stop "wallowing in misery" as some call it; but then it's double for your trouble.  According to therapists, other widows, and online experts, you just gotta let it come. Grief washes over you and does its thing.  But I think the thing it is doing is washing out the wound.  

Since the beginning of time salt has been used as a healing solution.  I have cried so many salty tears every day since my Pirate Husband left this world.  God has said that He bottles all our tears.  I think He means to say He knows and He cares.  My wound is incurable.  I don't know how half of you is ripped away and you survive.  But I think letting the grief and salty tears wash out the wound helps.  It helps me to get out of bed another day and do the life thing.  

I Won't Give Up

This song by Jason Mraz makes me smile.  I printed the lyrics for Lasse when he "left for sea".  He put them in the clear protective seal on his boat's log book.   They are a little blurred from life on the boat with the Pirate Husband but they're still there. 

Writing helps.  The Life and Times (and Survival) of the Pirate's Wife While She Navigates Being a Widow.  Sometimes I just boil it down to four little words, "Sucks to be me."  But really I have been so blessed.  And I haven't lost my Pirate Husband's love, just his physical presence.....and his seven phone calls a day.  

"You know I love you fiercely, Lover."  

I always will and somehow, I think I always have.